Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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