I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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