she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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