she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
