So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
