just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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