a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
