when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
