And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
