Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
