Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
