Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my being single is dangerous.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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