a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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