I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
