I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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