He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
