Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
