It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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