Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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