took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Floor bacon is actually really good
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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