Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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