I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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