note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
