I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's always time for handjobs
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
