I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
