i think my mom watched the whole time
You smell like a Billy Joel song
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
