After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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