that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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