Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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