well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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