gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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