booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
