I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
