I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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