Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
