Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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