I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
