a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
