If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
