dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You had me at "let me see your balls"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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