Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
