Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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