OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
