So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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