You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
