Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
