Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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