I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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