My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
