Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
