haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
