it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
