Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
