guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
