pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
